Lookinf at Depression

400 years ago, a philosopher named John Donne coined a phrase that is as true now as it ever was then.  He said, “No man is an Island…” and he was warning us not live apart from each other, avoiding the process of relating to one another.  But, in this highly individualised society that we live in, it seems people rarely heed John Donne’s immortal words.  We still live as if our lives are disconnected, as if it doesn’t matter that we barely know each other.

Today, our detachment from each other is reaching critical levels, and could be the source of a new mental health crisis. A study released by Statistics Canada in May of 2007 revealed that men who were divorced or separated were six times more likely to report an episode of depression compared to men who were in relationships.  Divorced women were 3.5 times more likely to report a bout with depression then women who were still in a relationship.  While it is saddening that so many people would struggle with depression during the first two years after a separation, most of the analysis I read from experts about these statistics centred on the just how seriously affected men were by this phenomenon.

The reason why men suffer as they do during break-ups is simple.  A lot of people, especially men, get no emotional support from anyone except their spouse.  If their spouse should leave them, or if their spouse should die, they are truly alone with no one to connect with on an emotional level.  They become alienated like an island on a lonely sea.  And they are on the fast track to severe episodes of depression. 

Fortunately for women, this problem is not quite as bad.  When interviewed on the matter, Toronto lawyer and social worker Deborah Mecklinger pointed out that men in our society simply aren’t socialised to reach out.  In an interview for the Toronto Globe and Mail, Ms. Mecklinger stated that “Women engage is discussion with their girlfriends.  They seek out therapists more then men do.  But men are far more isolated.”  

I feel compelled to point out, however, that, these days, more women are starting to mimic the behaviour of men, even the behaviours that are destructive and damaging.  It may not be long before women start closing the depression gap.

Experts tell us that the death of a relationship is a tragedy much like experiencing the death of a loved one, and people need to grieve.  If they don’t they will likely slip into some level of depression.  Debra Rodgrigues, a social worker with Peel Counselling and Consulting says that people grieve their losses through words, through discussing what is happening to them emotionally. Without someone to talk to, the grieving never gets done, and mental instability becomes all the more likely

In my opinion, the problem is much worse then what was reported by the
Statistics Canada study.  The study only comments on reported cases of depression.  What about those cases that go unreported?  How many men and women are mildly depressed and are not even fully aware of it?  Speaking for myself, I discovered that I had been depressed most of my life, but had come to accept a general level of constant sadness as normal. A good book that explores the extent to which our society, especially or men-folk, suffers with unspoken depression, is “I Don’t Want to Talk About It” by Terrence Real.   After reading this amazing book, I wondered how this author could possibly have known just how I was feeling most of my life!

My worst incident with depression came during my recovery from a near fatal car accident.  Although I eventually became able bodied again, (after seven years of physical therapy and dozens of operations,) the physical pain and the loneliness of my early years of recovery were as dramatic as if I was grieving the end of a marriage or the death of a loved one.  I became so miserable I needed professional help

That’s when I discovered that, like other men, a primary cause of my on-going depression was that I had no one to turn to in times of crisis.  I was the classic male stereotype, proud of my emotional introversion and contemptuous of those who saw it necessary to discuss emotions and feelings.   I lived as if I was an island.  My accident forced me to reach out.  If I had never reached out to anyone, I honestly believe that I would have never fully recovered from my trauma.  My doctors doubted that I would ever get out of my wheelchair, but, with the emotional support that I got from my therapist, my friends, my family and many others, I proved the doctors wrong.  In fact, only a few years ago I ran my first mini triathlon and went down hill skiing for the first time since the accident.  But these accomplishments would not have been possible without a great community of support.  My friends got me through the tough times.  In a sense, the success of my full recovery is something that my whole community shares in, because, without them, I would not have found the inner power to carry on in times of deep sadness.

Since my full recovery, I have had to grieve several more times.  I went through a divorce, my father died, and my career went though it’s fair share of ups and downs.  But, thanks to what I learned in my recovery, that, indeed no man is an island, I have a support network in place, of friends, colleges and well-wishers, many of whom are only a phone call away.  My successes and my ability to deal with the hard times are due to the fact that I refuse to be isolated, and I certainly take no pride in being emotionally detached. 

My advice to anyone who doesn’t feel like they have a support network is this: don’t wait until you are in a tragedy to get your emotional safety net in place.  If you are smart you already have a financial safety net, and you have health insurance and life insurance to provide for your financial needs, should an emergency occur.  But you need support for your mind too.  Don’t depend on one person to be your only support.  Your mate can’t be there for you all the time.  It is unfair and unrealistic to think as much.  Reach out to people, and be ready for them when they need you.  It may well save your life.  This support is the essence of a real community.  And it is essential for your health and prosperity.