In Parts One and Two of this series of essays on the Blame Game, I have mentioned several times that it is very normal to blame. The problem with blame is not that it is wrong, but that it is a dead end. There comes a time in every journey of recovery where the recovering person is faced with a frightening and intimidating prospect. In order to move on, in order to recover as best as they can, as best as is scientifically possible, they will have to go through a test of character that will challenge them, and force them to be, not ordinary, but extra-ordinary. They will have to become a kind of a giant, if you will, a sort of hero, who goes on a journey that normal people will never experience and never fully understand. To put it simply, they will have to change who they are on a fundamental level. There will come a time in your recovery where you will realize that you are not the same person who experienced the accident. You will feel transformed. Casting aside blame and taking full ownership of your life and everything in it is the first step to a deep spiritual change in you as a human being. It is also your key to a full and successful recovery Let’s consider the idea of change for a moment. Philosophically, many people are excited about the idea of change in their lives. The idea of change is usually (although not always,) associated with progress, and, therefore, change is often thought of as positive. However, our emotional reaction to change is often quite different. I have noticed that most people have a gut-reaction to change that is often fearful and reticent. Even if the change in question represents, in principle, something that is positive and rewarding, we tend to resist, especially if that change represents a change from within. In my opinion, this is the real reason why people often have to “bottom-out,” as it were, before they will consider making a real change in their life. You will notice this with recovering drug addicts, recovering alcoholics, and people recovering from trauma. Things have to get really bad in their lives before they will seriously consider change. Some people have to end up on the street, living in squalor, or in horrible embarrassment before they will make the changes they need to live happier, healthier lives. It almost seems that the human animal has an innate resistance to change. Often, if they ever actually achieve real change, then the circumstances in their life have to be that the discomfort of living their lives without change greatly outweighs the discomfort they fear they will face if they accept change. Some people, even when they are on a coarse of complete self-destruction, even if they are facing their own death, are still more fearful of change then the deadly status quo in which they live. Therefore, on the road of life, if ever and whenever you decide that you are willing to make changes in yourself, you are truly behaving in a way that is uncommonly brave. In my line of work I have become acquainted with more then a few other therapists, counselors and life-coaches, many of whom are very qualified and highly schooled individuals. Some of them have dismissed this idea that people need to be ready to embrace their own transformation in order to recover to the best of their ability. All I can say is that I know that I went though some rather incredible personal changes in my recovery, and I personally believe that my success in recovery had everything to do with embracing personal change. And, believe me, I was one tough nut to crack. I’m stubborn by nature, and very cynical. Before the accident, I was a grumpy, chain smoking, heavy drinking workaholic who had no time for reading, contemplation or personal growth. Halfway though the seven years it took me to fully recover, I was a new man. Despite the accident, I was happy. I took joy in the little things like watching a flower bloom in the morning. I was glad to be alive and couldn’t stop reading, learning and developing as a person. All of this happened because I wanted to recover as best as I could, and that meant going deep and living life differently. In a sense, the journey through recovery is a primeval journey of the soul. Human beings are called to challenge themselves, to be transformed not just in their intellect, but in their entire being. But, just as every human is called to transformation, every human also resists the call. This is the essential human drama. We are not born fully aware of our true potential, and, like sleeping bears, we resent it when the powers of Life and Circumstance try to rouse us from our slumber of self-ignorance. But those who have known trauma cannot roll over and go back to sleep. We have been forced on to the hard road, and not all of us will rise to the challenge. Those who will rise to the challenge will come to know life in a new way, and live it, as one wise man, once said, “more abundantly.” This is the promise of giving up blame, of taking up forgiveness and being willing to change oneself. |
||||||||||||